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Feeding a new-born lamb.
OK so this probably won't happen to the average wierdo, but it did to me. Our house was surrounded by about 500 sheep during shearing time. Pigs got in and ate a few, including the mother of a new-born lamb. Lamb is outside bedroom window, and coupled with the power failure and 28 degree night, it conspires to keep you awake. Your other half finds it in the morning and you have to look after it the next day while she goes to work. If that happens, more than likely you'll become it's mum, because by the time your other half gets home it's sussed you out. It's not easy to convince it otherwise. Anyway, the basics. A lamb is a bit like a computer - it comes with a basic ROM command set, but has some clever 'learning' abilities; and leaks interminably. Basic commands in operation at this time. "Stand" - using 8 major muscles and a balance engine, it can stand up if it wants to or is strong enough. Unfortunately if it's been away from it's previous parent for a while, it's battery will be going flat, and unless you find a way to recharge it, it will lose its will to live and die on ya.
(The thinggie shown left fits on to most bottles - in this case "Strongbow Dry." Sprite bottles work well too, because they don't get as much of a vacuum in them. Ask the chemist. (Print this page and ask the chemist.)) Another basic ROM entry is the "echo" protocol. Every now and then, your lamb should issue a 16-bit "baa." In full duplex, it listens for a very rough echo of the same signal. You can fix this by going 'baah' yourself every now and then in response. It will track the source of the as best it can using a combination of differential stereo vision and differential stereo audio capabilities, and approach you if the 'walk' subsystem is working and unimpeded. For the first few hours this maa can be so loud as to hurt your ears - you will have to find the ear muffs you keep on the lawnmower handle, and keep them handy. The echo protocol appears to have a collision and an intensity variability built in - if ignored, the amplitude of the waveform will become higher, but the frequency of echos will eventually decrease. After one or two days, you will change your name by deed poll to "Mary". It will follow you blindly once it has equated your human form with the mother ship :) This includes trips to the toilet and shower, so when showering use low pressure.
With this stuff, it's 4 scoops per 400ml jar of water. Read the instructions. Be prepared to bee off work for at least 2 days. Preparing an area.
The most heavily shat-on areas will be next to the bed and under your chair - place a towel on each spot and keep spares handy for when they get shat on. With a bit of luck it won't get up on to the bed, so you can sleep shat free. ..which brings us the next topic. Sleep Deprivation. Here's the good news. Sheep sleep at night mostly. Your lamb's ROM contains instructions that limit its ativity once either the light level or the atomic time has reached certain parameters. One good feed at 11:30pm, before you have your shower and log off from the Internet is probably enough to see you through until about 5 am. Another quick feed, just water in this case is fine, will settle it down until around 8:30, when the phone will ring. Moderate to low volume music or TV doesn't worry them. Bunt protocol. The Bunt protocol is a drawback to the biological days where its purpose was to encourage milk provision. However unless you are an unusual person, this feature will not have this effect on you! Instead it is a lamb's way of saying "feed me". To play along with the bunt protocol, I find it best to squat down near the lamb and provide it with its teat from the left or right side of your thighs. (Not the middle, we don't want to encourage bad behaviour now do we...) Every 1.5 - 2 hours seems the feeding ritual. Scratch My Bum and I'll Eat more. Another biological feedback entry in the ROM, with a comparatively distasteful origin. Suffice to say that if you combine the act of feeding your lamb with either washing its bum as mentioned above, or scratching its back, you will get roughly a 50% gain in enthusiasm for consumption of food. Consider this a reward for effieiency on your part. Comparison to "Virtual Sheep" Both tend to die if left unattended However, the biosheep
cannot be resurrected with a mouse or by 'reinstalling' it. ROM errors. There are a few. The most significant is the assumption that the sheep has no body, and is only a set of eyes and ears and mouth. This becomes evident when the sheep encounters an obsticle such as a horizontal chairleg bar, which prevents further forward motion. Fortunately the adaptive capabilities generally figure this out, but even adult sheep sometimes stick their head through a fence then are convinced they can continue on through. Where to from here I don't know. I've now missed two days of work, but being self employed that doesn't matter too much. Tomorrow's experiment will be fitting a sheep to a kingswood and taking it to the office. The day after may be taking it to Brewarrina. (a 180 km drive) Yet to be discovered is what else these can eat besides milk and service station receipts. 16/1/2001 Automated Feeding Thinggie Here's a new use for those old CD-ROM drives...later improved using those strong magnets from the actuators of those dead Quantum Bigfoots.
Written by the wierdo otherwise known as Michael Kean. December, 2000. Take Me Home! |
To
solve this problem, you will need to feed it some milk or water - of
course you are meant to feed it proper food but hey this was a surprise,
not a planned pregnancy! Hopefully you'll have a baby bottle or some
teat thinggies lying around, but if you don't, strip off a bit of wire
so the insulation is intact and use one of your syringes from the inkjet
refilling kit. (Rinse the ink first!) (Heatshrink tubing might work
better in some conditions.)
I'm
no expert on feeding the damn thing. I'm going by what other people
have written on the web, etc. Send your other half away to buy some
infant formula. In the interim, it's soy milk and water. (Ordinary milk
might work, but I never tried.) Feeding your lamb these two ingredients
yields three items - energy (to power all the lamb's subsystems, especially
the growth subsystem); clear urine (our lambsometimes maas quietly before
standing to pee on whatever it can find. Envelopes, carpet, plastic
bags, your slipper, etc. If it stands still, be suspicious.); and yellow
crap. (This stuff sometimes stinks, looks more like yolk from an egg
than anything else. Seems to stain stuff. (Carpet, your shirt, etc.)
You have no real choice than to wipe its bum for it - usually easiest
to get a flannel and a bucket of water, take it outside and have a wash.
Use of pressure cleaners not recommended in this instance.
The
average wierdo's office / room was not designed with baby leaking lambs
in mind. At a few days old they don't chew much, so your wiring is safe
for now. (Your box of GST receipts isn't tho.) Your carpet's in for
a tough time tho; as is your washing machine and sheet / towel collection.
Easiest solution is to clear most of your floor space, and cover it
with sheets. To keep the bugger quiet, put a matress on the floor as
well and sleep on that - it'll probably sleep next to the mattress.
If the other half protests at your absence, protest back.