Steak, Chips and Capsicum
   
       
       
       

All the information on healthy living for a geek can perhaps be found here? You be the judge.

OK to start with let me tell you I can't cook. I don't like cooking because it takes too long, and the results are transient. Unfortunately at times I have no choice but to cook something.

OK we are going to make a meal - steak, chips and vegie.

Lets start with the steak. Oh shit. It's frozen. You've got two choices.

Defrost it in the Microwave

Shove it on a plate in the microwave.

(If your microwave came off the side of the road (like mine did) and you are using an old LP (like I was) as a turntable, place a glass of water in there too so the damn thing don't arc and scare the crap out of you!)

I guess between 3 and 6 minutes will do. It is better to use the medium or medium-low feature so you don't burn the edges. It's complicated...

Defrost it in a frypan.

This is complicated and time consuming. Put the hotplate on LOW (as low as it goes, but not off...) and dump the steak in the frypan. It'll take about 5 minutes each side (yeah you have to turn the bastard over half way - set a reminder on your organiser and read your email.)

When you;ve walked out twice to check on it, stick a fork in it. If it seems to go through without hitting ice then YEEHAA you have defrosted the bastard.

 

Now what to do? This is where we start multitasking. First turn the hotplate up to about 80%. If you have to clean the stove as part of your existence, place a saucepan lid over your cooking steak. This prevents it spitting all over your lovely clean stove. If you're in a real hurry you can microwave the bastard on high for about 6 to 10 minutes, but beware it may be very chewy.


OK so the steak's cooking. Now for the dangerous risky bit - cooking the chips. Oh shit. I forgot to tell you to wash the potatoes. (You're poor aren't ya so you'll have bought the unwashed tatas coz they were cheaper.) Wash Wash the sand falls off. With some luck it won't block the bloody drain.

Washed them? They don't have to shine, and you don't use any detergent OK :)) Now peel the bastards. If you can find a peeler it will help otherwise use a knife. Unfortunately the peel is harder to remove than gladwrap so this will take a little time.

Take one chip and throw it in to a pan 1/3rd full of oil, and turn the stove to 100%. Watch it very carefully. DON'T leave it unattended. If you do and you forget it is on, the room will soon fill with smoke and you will have an oil fire. (Very Important Tip! If the oil catches fire DON'T throw water in it. You will get one allmighty whoomph, the flames will hit the ceiling, and then the fire will go out. The CORRECT method is to put a lid on it and of course turn the bloody stove off! This will sarve the oil of oxygen so combustion stops - you already know that from when you were a kid and dad let you play with the candle snuff.) It will eventually start to bubble away and even start to move around in the pan.

Click here for CHIP1.MPG

When you see this happening, drop the hotplate level to about 80% and add your chips a few at a time. (Ideally your chips are no more than 1 centimetre by 1 centimetre by 20 centimetres.)

 

When they turn about the colour of the border of this page, they're ready.

 

Now, you've been turning the steak haven't you? I hope so! otherwise you've burnt the crap out of one side of it, and the other side's still pink.

(The steak pic was underexposed - so here's the next best thing...)

Your steak should be ready or close. Unfortunately stoves are not accurate machines at all. Well the thermostats are much the same, but there is no standardisation.

So the chips are off. We turned them off a minute ag, right. We want to get them out of the oil without taking too much oil with us. So what we need to do it get some paper and strain them. Do you remember back in high school during the chemistry tests we used brown paper to see if there was fat or oil in something? Well that's still true, so what's cool about that is that the paper will absorb most of the excess oil.

Enough waffle. Go find your collection of recycling paper, you know your printing stuffups, like when you left the printer going and it ran out of ink, and put it on a plate. About three sheets will do. Put all your chips on the paper and roll them around a bit so the oil gets off them. Don't leave the bastards in the oil too long because they soak it up like sponges after a while.

Now the Vegie. Today it's a capsicum, although alternatives are frozen mixed veg in a mug, frozen beans in a mug or a mug of frozen peas. (Well you can cook them but they taste just as good frozen, and have the advantage that they are crunchy!) So cut the capsicum in half and put one half on the plate, the other half in the fridge. (You can eat the other half as a snack during the following day.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Written by the wierdo otherwise known as Michael Kean.


This thing's under construction in October 2000 so some links wont work yet sorry guys. Take Me Home!